Friday Hate: 3/27

Welcome one, welcome all, to another edition of Friday Hate.

Topic for this week: the word bromance.

I mean, seriously. What kind of word is that? Let's examine.

It all started back in the magical summer of 2002. I was a young, smooth lad of eighteen, fresh out of high school, and killing time by working at a record store before I headed off to college in the fall.

I was drinking vanilla coke like it was water, got high for the first time, and tried to hang out with friends who were off to different places one last time.

As a nation, we were all still in 9/11 recovery mode, with airlines in trouble and an invasion of Iraq. Throughout all of this, the media found a story that they saw fit to beat us over the head with: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

For those of you younger than me, you might not remember the frenzy that was that couple, but there was one. Jennifer Lopez was starring in horrible movies like The Wedding Planner but she could not get out of the public eye.

And some enterprising reporter came up with the term "Bennifer" for those couples. Little did he or she know what a monster they created.

Soon, every celebrity couple was an amagamation of both names. "Brangelina," "TomKat," and other abominations. People talked about how horrible those terms were, but they still used them, which really pisses me off. Now they're so cliche that everyone uses them.

Then came the combining of other words. "Chillaxin," "Metrosexual," and other staples of losers everywhere. And somehow, the word "bromance" came into play.

Like the others, people always talked about how they hated the term, but they still used it, and here were are. With a fucking TV show named after it, and anytime two men hang out, they are said to have a bromance. Give me a fucking break.

I'm not immune to having man-crushes. Sure, I have feelings for people like Dirk Nowitzki that no heterosexual male should ever have about another hetersexual male, but I own it.

Speaking of inappropriate feelings, is it wrong that Clive Owen makes me feel funny inside, like when I used to climb the rope in gym class?

He is a gorgeous man. I say that as a man who has no interest in having sex with another man, believe you me.

Maybe it's the combination of amazing movies he's been in (Sin City, Inside Man, Children of Men) and the fact that he seemed pretty down to earth, but I am fully in love with Clive Owen. Even his name is fucking awesome.

But I would never, NEVER, say that I have a bromance with Clive Owen. That's just gay.

And that's where I think the fine line comes into play. If you use the term "bromance," then you are probably a little bit gay. Ergo, if you have feelings about a man, and use the term broamcen, then you probably are gay enough to act on those feelings if given the chance.

And that's where you and I differ. Because I don't use the phrase, I wouldn't molest Dirk Nowitzki if I saw him in public. As least I don't think so.

So do us all a favor, don't use that fucking word, and better yet, walk into oncoming traffic.