Awkwardness in the Ol' Pool Hall

Because I am such a model employee, I spent a few hours last Friday shooting pool at the community center near where I work.

It had been a long week, and Fridays are usually pretty slack, so I went down there. And in the midst of racking up some 8-ball, several young ladies entered the pool room. Three to be exact.

Now, despite what you might read here, I'm not a pervert. I have thoughts like any red-blooded man, but I don't think I go overboard.

But these ladies (and I use this term loosely, as you'll see in a moment), were a combined 21. Not bad, when you consider the average is a 7, but it was more like an 8, a 7 and a 6.

Problem was, I'm pretty sure they were high-school age. Something about the way they carried themselves, especially the hot one in tight black leggings and those furry boots screamed "jailbait." These were the kind of chicks that buying a pack of smokes is a big deal.

As if the plot didn't need thickening, these chicks were speaking a foreign language with each other. It sounded like German.

If you think a hot fraulein in f-me boots and tight leggings doesn't steam my clams, you'd be wrong.

I searched my brain, which is feeble when it comes to foreign languages. I figured, I mutter a German world or two, barely within earshot of the ladies, and they hear me, and if they know English, they'll immediately come up and

The only thing I know about German is how to count to three (eins, zwei, drei) and several quotes from Die Hard.

That's right, I went there.

I frantically pored over the German quotes in Die Hard, and only one came to mind, and it comes at a pivotal point in the flick.

So, under my breath, but loud enough to be heard across the room, I muttered, "schießen das fenster."

It had an immediate impact. But far from the "Ve must fuck you." response I had imagined, their eyes got wide. They looked over at me with something akin to fear in theuir eyes, then they looked around the room.

After a brief looking around, they ended their game, and quickly got the hell out of there.

And then it hit me.

You see, the quote I said came from one of the shootouts in Die Hard, right after Hans and McClane, have met, and Hans sees that McClane has no shoes.

So he tells Karl, "schießen das fenster," which roughly translates to "shoot the glass," or "shoot the window."

Well, it just so happens, that the pool room we were in, not only had two large plate glass windows separating i from the outside, and there is no wall separating the room from the hallway, just large windows, so everyone can see in and out of the pool room.

So to these young frauleins, I was suggesting to my friend that we should take out our guns, and shoot all of the windows. Better yet, since they probably didn't know I was listening intently to their German conversation, they probably thought I was trying to be secretive.

Let that be a lesson to all of you: Die Hard just doesn't impress the chicks.

I take that back. Die Hard never did anything wrong for anybody.