Friday Hate: 3/20

This week's edition of Friday Hate is brought to you by: any and every douchebag that goes to the gym.

There's nothing inherently wrong with going to the gym. In an effort to be less of a piece of human shit, I've found myself going on occasion. But the problem is what the gym breeds. And I'm not just talking about antibiotic-resistant staph infections.

I hate the pretension that comes with people who go to the gym. I don't even tell people I go to the gym. I either say, "playing basketball," or "scoping out elementary schools for future victims." Both of those things make fill me with less shame than telling people I'm at the gym.

I'm sure we all know plenty of pricks who put up Faceook statuses, Tweets, or away messages (do people still use AIM anymore?) about going to the gym. Fucking pricks. The vast majority of updates are a case of making it all about yourself, none more so than telling people that you're at the gym.

But it doesn't end there. Oh no.

Once you get to the gym, there are the people. The majority of people there are fine. They do their workouts, and get on with their life.

Then there are the dudes that come in, polishing off the last of their protein shake, and looking for a place to store their Muscle Milk. The guys who haven't worn sleeves since 1998, and think that stonewashed jeans are about to make a comeback.

These guys love to make it all about themselves. They rack of the heaviest weights, they grunt like they're passing a watermelon through their colon, and they always have to slam the weights down the hardest, creating a clanking sound that says to them, "I'M A FUCKING MAN!!", but to the rest of us it says, "MY DICK IS SMALL!!!"

Now, let us move to the locker room. It's hard to imagine anything more terrifying than men in various stage of undress, sauntering around a locker room, balls flinging every which way.

The gym I go to happens to be on a military base, so I'm not sure if this is the exception rather than the rule. But the guys there have absolutely no shame. I can walk in at any given time to see an old dude, completely naked, brushing his teeth and shaving at the sink, the same sink that has a full mirror, tossing back the image of old hairy nuts right back into my face. Gross.

Or sometimes an old dude will be on the scale weighing himself. Naked. Also in front of a mirror. There's no just escape from from the nutsacks.

I never thought I'd have to type that sentence again.

The point of the whole thing is that going to the gym is fine. It's more than fine. But it doesn't need to be something that you advertise to the whole fucking world.

Because I hate when people do that. And you. I hate you too.