It's officially "Go Time"

Today is the day. The first Monday after the New Year. The day when resolutions actually begin.

You see, no one actually starts their New Year's resolutions on Jan. 1. Assuming you're not a total loser, you probably woke up on the morning of Jan. 1, 2009 feeling like shit.

The last thing you need to do with a massive hangover is to start a brand-new routine. Is anyone going to wake up hungover and start working out?

Is someone who just desperately wants the pounding, throbbing headache to go away not going to light up that smoke?

Of course not.

In fact, due to the fact that 2009 began on a Thursday, most New Year's resolutions were pushed back to today.

Even if you decided to quit smoking for the New Year, odds are, you smoked most if not all of your cigs on New Year's Eve, and you went out to buy a pack Thursday morning.

No big deal, you thought, I'll just have one more weekend of smoking, and then I'll start fresh Monday.

Because Monday never comes. Except this one did. Now you're shaking from lack of nicotine, or dreading that first trip to the gym, or contemplating an entire year without masturbating. Fools.

Today I woke up with a newfound sense of purpose. I spent the weekend tidying up loose ends, cleaning my room, buying new groceries, throwing out the clutter.

Because there's nothing like starting fresh.

I move that this day be recognized nationally. It will be called St. Mandelbaum's Day, in honor of the late, great, Izzy Mandelbaum from Seinfeld, who spouted those now immortal words, "It's go time."

For today, the first Monday of the New Year, the first day back at work for many of us, it is truly go time.

Good luck with your resolutions, unless it was to stop masturbating, in which I then say to you:

You poor, misguided bastard.