Friday Hate: 1/16

This week's subject of Friday date: people who treat their pets (especially cats) as children.

Seriously, get a fucking life. I don't have anything against pets, I've had a few dogs in my time, and I always liked having them around, and sometimes would even jokingly have conversations with them, mostly to annoy other people in the room.

But stop talking to your cat like it's a person.

Example: I was doing the part of my job that I loathe the most the other day, taking a survey for a feature in my newspaper. This week's questions involved people's plans for the inauguration.

One of my stops was at a Veterinarian's office on the base where I work, and I asked one of the patrons there what her plans for the inauguration was.

She gazed lovingly into the cat's eyes, and said "Oh, I don't know. But Arlo [the cat] is going to watch it on his favorite chair on Tuesday. Yes he is! He's going to watch it on his favorite chair in mommy's lap."

Sixty seconds and five sore and bloody knuckles later, the screams finally stopped.

Kidding, of course. But seriously. What makes you think that cats are people? Are you self-aware enough that you can see you are so desperately lonely to have any being who converts oxygen into carbon dioxide (though that doesn't mean the bitch doesn't have like 100 houseplants) seem like a friend?

Does that compute at all?

I used to think that people who used online dating sites were the most pathetic people (though I'm sure fate will eventually make me pay for that one by forcing me to eHarmony.com when I'm in my late 40s and so desperate to spread my seed that I'll hump any piece of online trash that will have me), but not any more.

What's even weirder is the people who consider their pets children who also have a husband and children.

At my previous job writing for a small community weekly paper I met a woman who has still in mourning over a dog that she had put to sleep years ago. She spoke of how looking at his picture brought tears to her eyes sometimes.

I wanted to find a megaphone and scream at her: "IF THE WORST THING THAT HAPPENS IN YOUR LIFE IS THAT YOU OUTLIVE YOUR FUCKING DOG, THEN CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, CUNT!!"

But alas, I let it pass.

That doesn't mean I don't hate her though. And you. I hate you too.