It wasn't always like this. I think at one point in the not-too-distant past, I was a productive member of society. I don't know where I went wrong.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Two things happened today that made me really question my place in this world we live in.
The first? Well, I'm glad you asked.
Last weekend, I went to a friend's river house, and got the living shit sunburned out of me. I mean, I've been a fucking lobster for the last few days. My shoulders, arms and chest were bright red.
I'm been trying to keep it properly moisturized, but some peeling is inevitable.
So this afternoon, I decide to wander back onto the hardwood. I haven't played hoops since the weather got colder, and our indoor gym has been taken up with intramural basketball.
So it's time to work on my baby hook, elbow jumper and trizzles. And I must admit, it was feeling good. I was hitting my stuff and feeling good, got a good sweat working.
So I'm in my car, sitting in mile after mile of fucking traffic, and I do what I normally do, start examining myself. I start with the ol' nutsack (can't be too careful with testicular cancer these days) and work my way up to my shoulders.
And that's when I see it. On my shoulders, it looks like a lot of tiny blisters. Weird.
I get home, and I get ready to jump in the shower. And when I take my shirt off, I'm covered in tiny blisters. What the fuck?
And then it hits me. I had all this dried up skin where I got burned, and when I sweated, it filled the space.
So I'm covered in sweat-filled blisters. I can't imagine anything more disgusting.
What's worse is that they're very thin, so when I run my hands across them, they burst, sending foul sweat all over myself.
I won't lie, if I had a bathtub instead of a standup shower, I might have filled it with warm water and slit my wrists, just to make my failure at life complete.
So I jumped in the shower, and tried my best to pop them all, making my skin normal again, or so I though.
I start rinsing off the soap from my chest, and as I step away from the water, I notice there still seems to be droplets on me, and they're not moving.
Except it wasn't just drops. The shower water was filling up the popped blisters. Gross.
I am hideous.
So I start trying to just take all the skin off, and pretty soon, I had a lot of dead skin on my hands.
Now it's going to get real real.
You see that thing on the left that looks like old chewing gum, the thing that's almost as big as the penny?
That's the ball of skin I took off of myself. I think I just threw up in my mouth as I typed that.
Now that I've thoroughly disgusted you with my physical maladies, let me tell you about the second thing that makes me disgusting. This one is mental.
I was walking down the sidewalk today, on my way to meet someone, when about a quarter-mile in front of me, standing on the corner, are two chicks.
Now, as a single guy in his sexual prime, a guy that always takes a second look when I see an ass in tight pants, no matter how ugly the chick is.
So as I get closer, I see at least one of the chicks is very...uh...how do you say.....ample in the bosom?
So I'm walking, I'm leering, just trying to get a close look at their faces. And all of a sudden, they both start looking at me as I walk on the sidewalk towards them.
Just as I'm starting to wonder how fast I can book a hotel room for a hot threesome, a school bus rides past me, stops at their corner, and both girls get on.
Apparently I didn't notice that they were wearing backpacks.
Now, there aren't many things certain in this topsy-turvy world of ours, but odds are, a chick getting on a school bus isn't anywhere close to 18, especially a hot one.
I am a monster.
The school bus rule is pretty much the same as the cigarette rule, except the opposite. If you see a chick smoking a cigarette, chances are she's 18, if she's getting on a school bus, she's probably not.
The odds in both instances are worth betting your cornhole on, especially if she's hot.
So there you have it, I'm covered with filth, and I was leering at a girl that can't be over 16.
And you wonder why I loathe myself.
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