The Hand Lotion Conundrum

I was at my parents' house the other day, picking up the mail I still get sent there, as well as raiding their pantry for free shit, and a possibly awkward scenario arose.

I was talking with my mom, and mentioning how my hands get incredibly dry in the winter, especially when I'm covering stuff outside. I mentioned that I grabbed one of those hotel-sized bottles of hand lotion from my bathroom, and she mentioned that she had an extra tube of Gold Bond (I can't say enough good things about this brand, just you wait until that blog post) hand lotion.

So I added that to my stash, and took off for my place soon after.

It wasn't until the drive home that I wondered if that was a weird thing to do. Because, let's face it, as a male, since the age of 13, hand lotion had meant something different to me, and I think you know what I mean.

In fact, since that time, hand lotion has always seemed like a dirty thing to me. Sure, there are plenty of uses that don't involve one's genitals, but that's just how my mind works.

I'm just going to toss this out there: I'm not really a lotion guy when it comes to that. Never was a fan, except on special occasions.

I remember the day I decided that I was going to spank it as often as I could, and since then, I've experimented with all sorts of various lubes, as a young inquiring mind is wont to do.

Warm water quickly moved to baby oil, vaseline, hand lotion and the like. Of course, we all learned the bad things to use, such as soap, shaving cream, and anything else that gets in the ol' pee-hole and stings like the dickens.

But I always preferred the 'au naturale' method, sometimes enhanced by an especially smooth fabric.

But we digress. I was wondering on my way home, at what age does hand lotion simply become hand lotion?

I'm not the awkward, pre-pubescent kid, but that doesn't mean I whack it any less than I did when I was younger. In fact, with the glut of free online porn and proper planning, I probably whack it much more than I used to. It's just who I am, and I won't apologize for that.

But as recently as my senior year in high school, hand lotion still carried that stigma. I remember holding a party the summer before my senior year, and a bunch of people ended up crashing at my house.

At this party was a girl I used to date, and several friends, all of whom were my friends as well. They ended up crashing in my room, and I remember trying to fall asleep on the couch in the basement outside my room.

I could barely hear them talking, and, as is the norm when several women get together, the coversation sounded to me like hens clucking loudly.

But I happened to have some sort of moisturizer on my nightstand, probably for my hands or something like that. And when they found it, the yentering slowed to a crawl, and these chicks were discussing what the lotion was used for.

I wanted to scream, "so I can fuck dried up pussies like yours!" But I didn't. Shame on me.

That was probably about eight years ago, and I wonder if someone in their mid-twenties is immune to such suspicion if they were to buy lotion at the store.

I guess there's only one way to find out. When my current lotion runs out, I'll have to go to the store and get some more.

I will try and get in line with the hottest cashier. When she scans the lotion, I hope she looks at me. If she does, I will wink at her, and do the standard jerking off motion.

Best case scenario? Monkey sex in the bathroom, which is a fantasy of mine, as I've stated before. Worst case? A trip to the sex offender registry.

But the joke's on her. I'm already in there. Who's laughing now?