A Capital Idea

There are few things in life that are as much fun as being an asshole. Not all the time, mind you, but once every now and again, it's your turn to be the asshole.

Every drunken night needs an asshole. In your group of friends, you may not have anyone that qualifies as being an asshole, but everyone is capable given enough alcohol.

I really hadn't been the asshole for a good five months, since last September. So I was due.

Last night, me and several friends went to watch the Washington Capitals play the Florida Panthers.

We took the metro in, which means one thing: little to no drunk driving. Always a good thing. It also means that no restraint will be shown. Especially by me.

We drank some beers at my place, drank some beers at a bar next to the Verizon Center, drank some beers and shots at an Irish pub nearby, drank beers at the game, drank beers and shots in the Greene Turtle inside od the Verizon Center, then headed to a bar for beers and shots after the game.

So yeah.

The only thing of note that happened is the following story. Ladies, I would love to know your opinions on the wager discussed, so feel free to comment.

Me and two of my friends were outside smoking a cigarette. A mere six feet from us, were two ladies, both very attractive.

One of the had the king of blouse on that has a big bow right below the breasts, emphasizing the belly, and resembling maternity wear. I wish now that I'd taken a picture.

I don't remember how it came up, but me and my friends started debating whether or not this girl was pregnant.

I said she wasn't, that it was a poor fashion choice, and my two companions disagreed. We decided to wager on it.

If she is pregnant, then I will pay each of them five dollars. If she isn't, then they each owe me five bucks.

Thankfully for us (and you, fair reader), I was sufficiently drunk enough to find out.

I walk up to them, and here's how it went down:

Me: Uhh, excuse me ladies...
The Non-pregnant-looking one: She's not pregnant!
Me: What?
The Non-pregnant looking one: We heard your whole conversation. She's not pregnant, asshole.
Me: Hey! I was on her side. I just said that it was a poor fashion choice.

Then the non-pregnant girl pushed her friend inside.

During the whole conversation, she gave me this look that said, "I find you slightly more repellent than a slug on the ground, crawling through its own slime."

But I win the bet! Right?

Well, apparently this wasn't good enough for each of my friends to give up five dollars. Because they argued that she was lying.

Fuckers.

Now, she didn't have a drink in her hand, and I'm pretty sure she didn't have a cigarette.

But, we argued about it. And argued. And argued. We threw it to my friend's girlfriend, who happened to be on my side.

And we kept arguing about it, even on the metro ride back.

And apparently at least one fellow passenger heard us, and wasn't too fond of our topic of conversation.

"Hey, excuse me fellas," this guy said. "You know, it was funny for the first five minutes, but really, back it down fellas. The ladies on this train don't need to hear you talk like that."

Are you fucking kidding me? Since when is this not America?

If I had literally had one more beer and/or shot, I would have let it go up a notch.

But I didn't. The guy was a douchebag. He was on the train by himself.

I'm sorry, I thought this was America.