Friday Hate: 2/20

Apologies about missing last week's Friday Hate. If you think that its' absence means that I am slowly becoming less hateful as a person, you are wrong. In fact, it's just the opposite.

This week's subject: Kevin Rudolf and his stupid song, "Let It Rock" You've heard it. Just for shits and gigs, here's the song. You'll recognize it.



Where to begin with this gutter slime?

First of all, the official video has embedding disabled, so you already know he's an asshole. But let's delve deeper.

I actually sort of liked the song for a brief, two-week period in early October of last year. Then I started hearing it in the gym. And on every commercial. And at every Wizards game I went to. And every Capitals game. And at every game I cover for work. And every other shitty sporting event. And anything else where there are people doing things.

And then I saw him perform it live at the NBA All-Star game last weekend. Have you ever seen this guy? He looks like the biggest prick in the world.

He is about 5'4", and looks like he wants to be Izzy Stradlin from Guns N' Roses in the worst way.

Look how effortlessly badass Izzy Stradlin is. Cigarette hanging nonchalantly from the mouth. Awsome fucking guitar. An ascot that somehow makes him look cool. Beaded necklaces. God, I love Izzy Stradlin.

Now look at this prick.

What a fucking poser. I bet some makeup artist perfectly frayed that stupid-ass scarf he was wearing.

Not to mention his name is spelled R-U-D-O-L-F. What's the matter prick, Rudolph not good enough for you? You've got to spell it different to be different. You know who else was different? Minorities in Germany circa 1939. How'd that work out for them?

Here's what else pisses me off. You go to YouTube and type in "Kevin" and this stupid fucking song is the first thing that comes up.

What? No Kevin Spacey, Kevin Nash, or Kevin McAllister? Those three leave more talent in the toilet every morning that Kevin Rudolf has ever seen in his life.

Now that we've fully deconstructed this fuckstick, let's take a look at the song itself.

The chorus:

Because when I arrive
I bring the fire
Make you come alive
I can take you higher
What is this, forgot?
I must now remind you
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock

Wow. Move over Bill Shakespeare. What does that even mean. How exactly will you take me higher? By bringing the aforementioned fire?

What is this, forgot? That's not even a sentence prick. Where's the subject?

Some of the verses:

I see your dirty face
High behind your collar
What is done in vain
Truth is hard to swallow
So you pray to God
To justify the way you live a lie, live a lie, live a lie
And you take your time
And you do your crime
Well you made your bed
I'm in mine

We'll do these one at a time, so your brain doesn't explode with all the asshat-ness. The first verse seems to contain nothing but a randdom smattering of cliches, such as "Truth is hard to swallow," and "You made your bed, I'm in mine."

Keep in mind that this is how the song starts. What does any of this have to do with letting something rock? What is this lie?

The closest meaning I could glean after examining this verse was something about preists and pedophilia. And I hope I'm wrong, because the fact that this song is a hit with that subject could very well spell doom for our society.

Pop Music 101: If you're song can be interpreted as being about molestation, and you're not Pearl Jam, then you're fucked.

You know, I was going to examine this verse by verse, but al of a sudden I feel a migraine coming on. And I've never had a migraine in my life. So rather than think about this filth any more, I'm going to do something slightly more pleasent, like putting a power drill through my temple.