Die Hard: The Greatest Christmas Movie Ever

As mentioned before, Christmas is here at last. I've taken you through some music, and today we'll examine the best Christmas movie.

Coming soon, we'll discuss Christmas tastes (egg nog) and Christmas smells (egg nog farts), before winding this up.

Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time, and one of the top five greatest sequences of light and words to ever be put to celluloid.

It boasts a great soundtrack of Christmas tunes, ranging from the previously mentioned "Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC, to the classic version of "Let it Snow" by Vaughn Monroe.

There is the theme of redemption. Just as the world was redeemed when Christ was born on Christmas, Sgt. Al Powell was redeemed by gunning down a half dead German terrorist to save the life of John McClane and his fair lady, a true tear-jerker ending.

Unlike the path that action movies of our day have taken, this is not America vs. the middle east, with a sassy, attractive woman and a dumpy, mixed-race jerk spewing awful shtick all over the place.

No, this movie brings us back to the 80's when we didn't know Iraq existed, Saddam Hussien was one of our best buds, and most people thought Red Dawn was a documentary.

But Die Hard is not a political movie, it's just two hours of the working class American shooting, punching, and blowing up filthy Eurotrash.

Cue "My Country 'Tis of Thee."

The plot of this movie is as intricate as a fine Swiss watch. There are no extraneous details or wasted camera shots. Example:

At the beginning, a man tells McClane that the way to avoid jet lag is to take off your shoes and make fists with your toes (catchy blog name perhaps?). McClane tries this just as the terrorists attack, leaving him with no shoes throughout the movie. Hans notices this upon meeting McClane, and this leads him shooting out the glass in an office, leading to McClane becoming gravely wounded, leading to his emotional talk with Al Powell, finally leading to the aforementioned redemption.These are just two examples to show how this masterful plot is as complex and beautiful as a family quilt.

The movie is also very funny. Not the lame-ass comic relief that has infected today's action movies, but good old fashioned grisly humor. McClane utters many a one liner at the person he has just killed.

My personal favorite: "You should have heard your brother squeal when I BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK!!!"

Karl and Cleo also make a good natured bet on whether or not Hans will have to kill the CEO of Nakatomi, Mr. Takagi.

Don't believe me that it's good natured? Look at the movie. Cleo only takes one bill, which means is couldn't have been more than $100. Take into account the fact that they are trying to steal hundred of millions, and it sounds pretty light hearted to me.

Endings have been the fatal flaw of many an action movie.

Some sappy shit about the man going back to his loving wife/girlfriend/child, even though mere moments before he was slaughtering terrorists like it was his job, which it in fact, is.

Die Hard fools you into thinking the schlock is imminent.

When Powell and McClane meet for the first time, there is much to be said between them. It looks like they are about get all sappy on each other, when out of nowhere the brother of the first terrorist McClane killed comes back to life, and is blown away by Powell, the very same Powell who says that he has never drawn his gun since killing a kid by mistake.

Hold on, uhhh...I......I got something in my eye.

Let this be a lesson: sometimes gunning down someone's enemy as they are about to be killed speaks louder than words.

Let's take a look at the Characters:

John McClane - Probably the best, most human, most fully complete action hero this side of Macbeth. We know what motivates him (his wife), we know his values (he's a cop), we know how he responds to adversity (bullet-riddled corpses). He is like a hero out of the old west (yippie ki-ay) transplanted into the 80's in a skyscraper.

Hans Gruber - A cold, calculating villain. Everything that Bruce Payne in Passenger 57 wishes he could be. Gruber is the icy calm to McClane's fiery passion, and the scene where they meet is brilliant.

The subtle psychological interplay between these two is like a well-played chess match.

Advance pawn ("What did you say your name was?"), Knight to Queen's 6 ("Clay, Bill Clay"), check, ("Put down the gun cowboy, and give me my detonators"), and finally checkmate ("Whoops! No bullets. You think I'm fucking stupid Hans?").

Absolutely scrumtrilescent.

Holly - Bonnie Bedelia in her one role. She is the perfect rational foil to Willis' McClane. I'm pretty sure I'd take on a building full of terrorists to rescue her, but then again, maybe I'm just old fashioned like that.

Ellis - Where to start with the greatest ratio of gold to screen time in the history of cinema? The greatest soliloquy in film:

"Hey, business is business. You use a gun, I use a fountain pen, what's the difference. To put it in my terms, you're here on a hostile takeover and you grab us for some greenmail, but you didn't expect some poison pill was gonna be running around the building. Hans, boobie....I'm your white knight."

The ultimate in eighties, coked-out smarm Ellis is the icing on the proverbial cake.

If Die Hard had been made today, Ellis would have had three spin-offs by now, where him and The Rock would have banded together to outsmart an evil consortium of smugglers deep in the everglades, and we would have never heard of Judd Apatow.

In conclusion, Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. I recommend a family viewing every Christmas Eve around a nice roaring fire and plenty of Evan Williams eggnog.

Always remember this: when the stinger missiles of tyranny destroy the Armored Personnel Carrier of freedom, sometimes a man must strap plastic explosives to the office chair of justice and hurl them down the elevator shaft of liberty.

Amen.