Hot chicks with foreign accents

It's time I let you people in on a little secret of mine. Though it fills me with great shame, I don't think my flaw is all that unique.

Hot chicks with foreign accents can make me do anything.

She could come up to me and say, "How about ve firebomb zat orphanage, yes?" and I would be mixing molotov cocktails so fast your head would spin.

So the following should come as no surprise.

I went to the mall the other day, the Saturday before Christmas. If you haven't done that before, you should just save yourself some time and give yourself a frontal lobotomy with a butter knife. It would probably be less painful.

The people that piss me off the most are the fuckers who poach parking spots. They follow you as you're walking out of the mall. They're trailing 50 feet behind you at all times, just waiting for you to click your keychain, and reveal to them the spot you are about to vacate.

God forbid that you would sit in your car for a second and go over your purchases, or put a CD in the player or anything like that. These pieces of shit are hovering, and some of them even have the nerve to honk at you to hurry up.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's no limit to the amount of time you can park in a mall, as long as it's not overnight.

Once I find my vacant spot and pull in, an unwritten social contract is now in effect that states that I may have that spot until I want to leave, regardless of whether or not I am actually in the vehicle.

Say I'm wandering through Macy's doing my Christmas shopping (like I would ever do that, that place is expensive as balls), and as I'm passing through, I catch a lingerie poster.

Now I'm all hot and bothered, so I retreat back to my car to rub one out, so I can finish my shopping with a clear head. I should be able to do that in peace without a poacher sitting on my ass honking.

Believe you me, it's awful hard to climax when a horn is honking. I've done it, but the chafing lasted more than a week or two, I don't mind telling you.

Glorious masturbation aside, I hate going to the mall around this time of year. But I did it because I'm an idiot, and I haven't finished my shopping.

So I'm wandering through the mall, trying to make it to the bookstore and maybe the cigar shop for my brother (and myself), when this gorgeous chick with a foreign accent approaches me.

My first thought is that maybe she needs my help, maybe someone (Jason Bourne?) is after her? My second thought is, will she still bang me if I get severely beaten by whoever is chasing her?

Luckily it never came to that.

She asks me if I've got my Christmas shopping left. I reply in the affirmative.

Now, if she wasn't extremely gorgeous, rest assured I would have not responded politely, but probably something like, "No, I'm just in the mall because I hate myself, you skull-faced cunt!"

But she wasn't skull-faced in the least, and thought she probably was a cunt to some degree (they all are), she hadn't shown me that side of herself.

She asks me if I've got any ladies on the list left to shop for, and I reply with, "Oh yeah, lots of ladies. Lots of ladies to give presents to."

Idiot! I thought to myself. She's not going to take you in the stall of the men's room and have unprotected monkey sex with you if she thinks you're involved somehow.

So I mention something about needing to get my mom a gift.

And she immediately starts extolling the benefits of her hand lotion (yyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaahhh) and some stupid nail file that has three sides to make your nails the shiniest.

She even uses a sample nail thing to buff my right thumbnail. And no, she didn't notice my spontaneous orgasm. At least, she was professional enough to pretend not to notice.

Now, throughout this whole thing, I'm thinking: A) I wonder if the men's room stall would give us enough privacy; and B) How am I going to get out of this without money on anything but condoms and lube?

So she continues her spiel, and I find myself becoming increasingly horny and late, but she won't shut the fuck up. Granted, she still is gorgeous and still speaking in that hot accent, but it's slowly wearing off.

Finally a manage to get away from her, while only buying one nail lotion/file pack for $50. God, I hate myself.

I at least talked myself into the fact that I could give it to my mom, before I found out that my mom gets her nails done every few weeks, so she doesn't need that shit.

God damn you hot chicks with foreign accents. You'd think a pity blowjob in the bathroom would be in order once every now and again.

And if you're wondering if I have a public bathroom monkey sex fetish, you are correct.

So now my nails are always impeccably shiny, I am out $50, and I hate myself even more than usual.

Pretty standard pre-Christmas weekend actually.