Your Guide to Summer Fancy

If you're thinking to yourself, "Boy, I wish some asshole would write 1,300 words to tell me how to enjoy my summer," then this could be the greatest day of your life.

You see, we here at Fists With Your Toes are big fans of summer. Whether it's drinking and grilling, swilling ice cold beers on the beach, making mixed drinks and playing golf, beers and horseshoes, hanging outside at bars, we like it all.

It is with this in mind that I present to you, the official guide to summer fancy.

Obnoxious Sunglasses

Obnoxious sunglasses are a must for any summer person. Let's face it, the sun is bright as shit. And squinting sucks balls, whether you're trying to find the pin in a horseshoe pit, or you're hungover, squinting never did anything good for nobody.

Any asshole can buy a pair of sunglasses that are tasteful,. yet functional. But the true summer aficionado isn't satisfied with an ordinary pair of sunglasses.

No, you want a pair that covers your eyes, and possibly most of your face. That way, when your face is sunburned, you've got giant pale circles around your eyes.




I myself purchased a quality pair of Ray-Bans for the summer, I figured I'd get a nice pair and hold onto them for a while.

Behold, the Ray Ban RB4112

If you're not going to get obnoxious sunglasses, the only other option is to get mirrored aviators.

I'm sorry, but they just make you look awesome, no matter how much you suck in real life. With mirrored aviators, everyone is just a little bit more like Sly Stallone in Cobra, and that's something this society needs more than ever.



Cigars

Cigars are awesome. People who smoke cigars, with the exception of Fidel Castro, are awesome.

Therefore, to inject more awesome into your life, you need to smoke cigars.

There's nothing better than a cold beer in one hand, a cigar in the other, as you peer through a dime-sized hole into a women's locker room.

Wait, what? Never mind.

Cigars are the summer version of pipes. They both are excellent ways to consume tobacco, but a pipe is shorter, you do it outside, usually with a scarf and wool hat, because that's where you look the coolest.

Cigars are meant to savor, so you need warm weather to truly enjoy them.

They range from very cheap to very expensive, so let's take a look at what you should be getting.

If you're buying cigars at a CVS, you better be pouring the guts out and wrapping marijuana in them. Otherwise, they are not acceptable, and often to more harm than good to both your breath and reputation.

Your standard tobacco store will have a good selection, I recommend not paying more than six bucks per cigar, unless you really want to go for broke.

I prefer a nice Ashton as my go to. Light, refreshing and mild, you can't go wrong.

The Churchill or Corona size is a good way to start, since they're middle of the road. I myself don't like anything longer than 5.5 inches (If I had a nickel...) but it's up to you.

If you're buying the stogies at a liquor store, you might not have a good selection, but if you get a Montecristo or a Romeo y Julieta, you're probably OK.

Beer

Beer now comes in seasons. Around March, the Summer Ales start pouring in, pardon the pun. As the leaves start to change, OctoberFest beers and the Winter Lagers start coming in.

You can't beat a cold beer on a hot day. You just can't. But the age-old question still remains: bottle or can?

There is no right answer, it depends on where you're drinking. If it's a controlled environment like a BBQ, then bottles are the way to go. The beer tastes better, and you can get better beer out of a bottle.

If you're going for specialty brew, I would recommend something hoppy. Troeg's HopBack is very good, as is Sam Adams' Summer Ale.

If you want to be cliche, drink Corona with lime. If you want to get the same effect, only with less douchebaginess and a better beer, try Pacifico with a lime. If you're a fuckstain, go with Bud Light w/ Lime.

If you're drinking somewhere where you need to be active, such as at a river/beach, you're best bet is cans. A lot of places don't allow glass, and cans are much lighter when they're empty.

Coors Light is a staple of summer drinking. It's slightly less alcohol content will help you get home from wherever you're drinking it, and the watery taste will give you the illusion of being hydrated, thus removing the possibility of a psychosomatic hangover.

Bud Light and Miller Lite. Two of the same, and it really boils down to preference, i.e. if you have a preference, you are undoubtedly an asshole.

If there's a choice, I usually get Miller Lite, but I couldn't give less of a shit. I know people that will not drink anything Miller makes, if they have a choice between not drinking or drinking Miller, they will not drink. Notice how I didn't say "I have friends that will not drink anything..."

There's a good reason that those fuckers aren't my friend.

Stay away from anything heavy. There is nothing that will turn you off of drinking faster than a lukewarm Guinness Stout on a hot, humid day. Like drinking roofing tar.

Music

Any good party begins and ends with good music. Just like beer, there's a time and a place for certain kinds of music.

There are two artists people tend to associate with summer, Bob Marley and Jimmy Buffett. While both are acceptable, be careful, overuse of either one can make you look like a giant tool.

Stay away from both "Margaritaville" and "Jamming" lest you look like a rank amateur.

For Jimmy Buffett, "Fins," "Cheeseburger in Paradise," "Son of a Son of a Sailor," "Volcano" and "Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude" are hits, but also good songs, and they are deep enough cuts not to make you look like a prick.

For Marley, "Natural Mystic," "Iron Lion Zion," "Exodos," "Is This Love," "I Shot the Sherriff" and "Get Up, Stand Up" are all acceptable, nay, awesome.

As for other music, obviously it depends on your personal taste. I always though that the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Stadium Arcadium" is a great summer album.

The Eagles are great summer music, particularly, "Life in the Fast Lane," "Take it Easy" and "Already Gone."

The Who album "Who's Next" is good, as is Neil Young's "After the Goldrush." I would also recommend anything by George Thorogood, Oasis, Iron Maiden and The Doors.

Other summer-specific albums that I enjoy are: Bad Company's "Bad Company," Jackson Browne's "Running On Empty," Grand Funk Railroad's "Closer to Home," and Slobberbone's "Everything You Thought was Right."

Sunroof

Having a sunroof is absolutely essential for a glorious summer. Not only does it allow you to cruise with your aforementioned sunglasses, blasting your aforementioned music, but it's a great alternative to being a pussy who blasts their AC all the fucking time.

It allows you to park your car near a beach and blast tunes, as well as throw trash into while you are drinking far away, it's like a little game.

If you don't have a sunroof, I would recommend anything without a roof.

Sandals

Sandals are surely God's finest creation. The day he looked down and said, "My sons, you need not look like squares during the summer, yay, I give unto you these sandals, styled after my own comfortable footwear.

Take a look at these historic examples:


Fucking right God loves sandals.



There you have it, a guide to enjoying yourself this summer. No, I didn't cover everything, there's also grilling, sunburns, and the always popular theme, "keeping sand out of your asshole and/or vagina."

Perhaps we'll cover these another day. And perhaps not. Until then.