You could be reading the blog of a convicted felon...

We interrupt our regularly schedule program about e-mail scams to bring you this:


For those of you who don't know, the majority of the stories on this blog are false to some degree. They come from things I experience in real life, and I think about what could make them funny.

The story below is absolutely true.

And yes, it could have ended with me in jail, or trapped at my office overnight.

How's that for a teaser?

Tuesday afternoon, I had to go to a ceremony at a local, metropolitan national cemetery. No problem, right? After all, it started at approximately 3 p.m., and the cemetery closes up at 5 p.m.

Plenty of time to go to the ceremony and get back to work. Or so I thought.

I decided to walk through this local national cemetery to the ceremony. I had an assignment to write something about Veterans Day, and I figured, what's the best way to get some perspective?

If you said walk through a national cemetery on a brisk Fall day, you are correct sir.

So I walk. I left my office at about 2:15, and the one-mile walk took me about 30 minutes, as I took my time.

I get to the ceremony, do my piece, and go to leave, when I notice that time has passed to the tune of two hours.

It is not 4;45, and the cemetery closes at 5. The math is not in my favor.

I hustle nuts through the cemetery, but sure enough the five o' clock bell rings when I am about halfway through.

Five minutes later, a security guard approaches me, and the following exchange takes place.

Guard: Excuse me son, but the cemetery's closed.
Me: Yeah, I'm sorry, but I got caught up at the memorial, and I have to get back to [my office].
Guard: Sorry man, the gate's closed up ahead, you're gonna have to get out the main gate.

The main gate also happens to be in the opposite direction, which would make it at least a four-mile walk, and the sun is just beginning to set, and me in all of my manliness, I don't have a coat.

Me: My car's over there, I can't walk that far, my tauntaun will freeze to death before I get halfway there!
(Okay, okay, I didn't bust out the Empire Strikes Back reference, but in retrospect, I should have.)
Guard: Alright man, listen up. I'm telling you that you need to go back to the main gate. But if you have to get to [your office], you could always try and jump the fence. But make sure you do it when no one's watching, or else you could wind up getting arrested for trespassing on federal property.
Me: Oh. Thanks, I guess.

The guard then left me to my own devices, and I had a dilemma on my hands.

Well, not really. If you don't think breaking federal law isn't exciting (even for something lame such as this, then you're wrong).

So I go for it. I get to the fence. It's about five feet tall, and about three feet thick, made of stones mortared together.

I give a quick, sketchy glance around. Then, throwing my camera bag on the fence, I hope over. As if I didn't look shady enough without lugging a black bag with just about enough room for a few pounds of C-4 and a detonator.

But alas, my ingress (or is it egress?) went undetected. So, thinking I've pulled off the perfect crime.

Until, that is, I get to my office and find the door locked. No problem, I think to myself, I'll just use my keys to unlock the door...

I reach into my pocket, and the sentence completes itself, ...the same keys that are SITTING ON MY FUCKING DESK!!!

What the fuck?!?! How could I have been so stupid? I didn't take them with me.

Now it's past five, and I am in an empty building, a mere fifteen-foot walk from my only way to get home. Only there's two locked doors in the way.

So here I am, in one of the most important military headquarters buildings in the D.C. area, trapped.

So what do I do? I call my boss, who happens to live close by, and she said she would come let me in, she'd be there in about 20 minutes.

So what to do for twenty minutes. I briefly considered a quick masturbation session. After all I like to spread my seed anywhere possible.

Forty-two sweaty seconds later and...

Just kidding.

But I did wander into corridors of the building, looking for shenanigans.

The only thing of note that I discovered was when I decided to check out the Ladies' Room.

Those bitches have motion activated sinks! And here I've been turning knobs like a caveman.

I got out of there quickly, lest I be discovered by me female boss. Not not before, well.....you know..

Kidding again.

Soon enough my boss got there, and I made like a tree, and got the fuck out of there.

We'll be back tomorrow with an e-mail scam update.