Nobody Told Me...

Fill in the blank from the title above.

If you said, "there'd be days like these, strange days indeed." Then you are a fine American (which is ironic because it's from a John Lennon song).

If you said, "that you had a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year." Then you're slightly less of a fine citizen, but it's still a good tune.

Brilliant musical references aside, the first answer is more appropriate to today's post. What a shitty day. And it's only 10:56 a.m. as I write this.

You ever have one of those days when everything goes wrong from the get go?

I woke up this morning, slightly hungover, and more importantly, late as shit. I didn't set my alarm the night before, so I woke up too late to take a shower.

I don't mind not taking a shower all that much. Sometimes I sleep a little late, or my morning masturbation session runs longer than expected, so I just throw a hat on and roll.

I only wear a hat when I haven't showered and/or hungover.

So that didn't immediately ruin my day. I go to check my phone for missed calls/e-mails, and it's not working. The phone I've had for NINE FUCKING DAYS isn't working.

The touchscreen isn't responding. Super. Don't have time to go to the fucking Verizon store, until maybe this afternoon, if I'm lucky.

I head out to work, and traffic in conspiring against me right away. Look, I live in the D.C. area, I know traffic is supposed to be shitty. But it's one thing when every single slow moving vehicle finds its way in front of my car, while I'm trying to get to work, and stop for breakfast somewhere.

As I'm driving my phone start ringing. It's my boss. Since I'm supposed to be in the office in a mere 15 minutes, I figure its something pretty important, something that can't wait.

But fuck me in the ass, it's not working. I poke my fingers at the screen like a madman, but it won't pick up.

And that's when I get the feeling. That horrible feeling that it's going to just be one of those days. Then that stupid Limp Bizkit song popped in my head, and I wanted to blow my brains out, for the first, but not last time of the day.

Then, while stopped at a traffic light, I try to pour water from this gigantic gallon jug into a smaller bottle that I can take to my office. Of course, I miss, and the water puddles around my groin, making it look like I pissed myself.

If I was anywhere near a goddam bridge abutment, I would have swerved into it.

I finally get to work (late, of course), no breakfast, and we have an early meeting. We lay out the paper, and my stories are getting killed like its a fucking massacre, which I HATE. I like writing, I like my job, but I hate it when my stories get killed. Just a waste of my fucking time. Kind of like this blog.

Anyways, we have our meeting, then its back to work. I'm putting some photos on a CD for somebody, and once it's finished, I take the CD out and prepare to label it.

I reach for my trusty Sharpie, and I left the fucking cap off, and it's all dried out.

That was the last straw. My day officially blows.

I went out to 7-11, got some coffee and something greasy, put a 50 ML bottle of sweet, sweet Kentucky bourbon on the coffee cups, and let pure deliciousness take me away.

Those alcoholics, sometimes they really know the score.